Joined: Nov 17, 2004 Posts: 5222 Location: Tennessee, USA
Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 6:41 pm Post subject: True Story (?)
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.
His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery in progress in a house just a block away.
The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door.
They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes.
They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license.
They ask to see his car and she asks why.
They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage.
She opens the door.
There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing. True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting. _________________ http://twitter.com/HQ_Shark2th
Shark2th Moderator
Joined: Nov 17, 2004 Posts: 5222 Location: Tennessee, USA
Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 9:15 pm Post subject:
A Tennessee redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Tennessee
recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for
its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to
catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet
fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em
swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back
into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of bull! Fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then
said,"It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
"Well?"
"Well, what?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
We in Tennessee may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb
as most. You smart ones have a good day _________________ http://twitter.com/HQ_Shark2th
Shark2th Moderator
Joined: Nov 17, 2004 Posts: 5222 Location: Tennessee, USA
Joined: Nov 17, 2004 Posts: 5222 Location: Tennessee, USA
Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 7:34 pm Post subject:
Here's a quote from someone who witnessed a recent interaction between
an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC.
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on
the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly
woman behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female
protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a
gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care
about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband
died in France during World War II, my second husband died in Korea, ne of my sons died in Vietnam, a Grandson died in Desert Storm, all so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you
touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it." _________________ http://twitter.com/HQ_Shark2th
Shark2th Moderator
Joined: Nov 17, 2004 Posts: 5222 Location: Tennessee, USA
Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 9:09 pm Post subject:
An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning _________________ http://twitter.com/HQ_Shark2th
Shark2th Moderator
Joined: Nov 17, 2004 Posts: 5222 Location: Tennessee, USA
Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2005 2:50 pm Post subject:
Actual 911 Calls...
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher:! Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is...
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police. _________________ http://twitter.com/HQ_Shark2th
enigma516 V.I.P. Lifetime
Joined: Feb 07, 2005 Posts: 2743 Location: Florida
Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2005 2:54 pm Post subject:
DAMN!!! What an idiot.. _________________
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