Joined: Nov 17, 2004 Posts: 5222 Location: Tennessee, USA
Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2005 2:05 pm Post subject:
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! "Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more "In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and
tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
"The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later, the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. "Mr. . Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on he balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. "I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
"As I'm lying there, face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating agony, I see this guy push of all things his refrigerator off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to The Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died?"
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator......" _________________ http://twitter.com/HQ_Shark2th
enigma516 V.I.P. Lifetime
Joined: Feb 07, 2005 Posts: 2743 Location: Florida
Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2005 3:23 pm Post subject:
AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.... Good ol Bubba, still up to his old tricks. _________________
Shark2th Moderator
Joined: Nov 17, 2004 Posts: 5222 Location: Tennessee, USA
Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2005 1:09 pm Post subject:
Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing
pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids
whatever they wanted.
The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."
Hillary says, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's
airplane."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Hillary says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV
and stereo headset!"
Hillary is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like
you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your butt from
drowning." _________________ http://twitter.com/HQ_Shark2th
Shark2th Moderator
Joined: Nov 17, 2004 Posts: 5222 Location: Tennessee, USA
Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 8:59 pm Post subject:
OH BOY!!!
Guess who's visiting in Washington DC today...
The Prince of Wales and the current Duchess of Cornwall.
Here's the happy couple as they approached after leaving Airforce One. _________________ http://twitter.com/HQ_Shark2th
Shark2th Moderator
Joined: Nov 17, 2004 Posts: 5222 Location: Tennessee, USA
Posted: Wed Jan 18, 2006 4:02 pm Post subject: HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT in January 2009
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost Abe Lincoln appears..
Joined: Feb 07, 2005 Posts: 2743 Location: Florida
Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2006 6:43 pm Post subject:
LMAO!!! Make that a double. _________________
Shark2th Moderator
Joined: Nov 17, 2004 Posts: 5222 Location: Tennessee, USA
Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 3:25 pm Post subject:
This picture was taken just last night (no kidding!) and has Hillary describing to a friend what Monica looked like after messing with Bill in the Whitehouse.
Joined: Nov 17, 2004 Posts: 5222 Location: Tennessee, USA
Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 7:20 pm Post subject:
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, “Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What’ll it be?”
Bill didn’t hesitate. He said, “I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”
The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, “Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good. I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”
Bill thought for a minute and said, “You know, people really don’t like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she’s mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That’s what I want.”
Joined: Nov 17, 2004 Posts: 5222 Location: Tennessee, USA
Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 9:37 pm Post subject: U.S. Vice President shoots hunting partner
U.S. Vice President d1ck Cheney's accidental shooting of a fellow quail hunter in Texas gave new ammunition to television comedians who have long made the powerful, gruff-spoken conservative a target.
CBS' LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN
* "We can't get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."
* "Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's d1ck Cheney."
* No. 4 on list of "Top Ten d1ck Cheney Excuses" -- "I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me."
NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO
* "I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wiretapping illegal?"'
* "d1ck Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new d1ck Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!"
COMEDY CENTRAL'S THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
* "Moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- it's just not worth it."
THE DAILY SHOW (ROB CORDDRY)
"The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face."
U.S. SEN. PATRICK LEAHY (REPORTED BY ROLL CALL NEWSPAPER)
* Cheney in 2004 dismissed Leahy with an highly publicized obscenity during a brief argument in the Senate.
"In retrospect, it looks like I got off easy," Leahy said.
WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN SCOTT MCCLELLAN
* McClellan, wearing an orange necktie, previewed a White House appearance of University of Texas Longhorn Football team, which wears orange jerseys: "The orange that they're wearing is not because they're concerned that the vice president may be there -- although that's why I'm wearing it."
FLORIDA GOV. JEB BUSH
* While wearing a bright orange political sticker: "I'm a little concerned that d1ck Cheney is going to walk in."
NEW YORK POST (IMITATING CARTOON ICON ELMER FUDD)
"The White House took heavy flak yesterday for waiting a vewwy, vewwy long time before revealing that wascally Vice President d1ck Cheney had shot a fellow hunter." _________________ http://twitter.com/HQ_Shark2th
hellblazer55 V.I.P. Lifetime
Joined: Oct 03, 2005 Posts: 6381 Location: Canada
Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 10:05 pm Post subject:
oh oh I got one lol _________________
Shark2th Moderator
Joined: Nov 17, 2004 Posts: 5222 Location: Tennessee, USA
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